You Asked, I Answered: Part Two, Round Two

Last week, I answered the first half of the questions that some people asked me on my Kelley's Break Room Facebook page a couple of weeks ago when I threw out the whole "ask me (almost) anything" line. I originally did this Q & A thing in April 2013. I had so much fun with the questions that I decided to do it again. I actually did a Q & A thing once before on The LG Report. "LG" truly is one of the funniest people on the Internet to me. He is always witty and entertaining. You will want to read his questions and responses to me here. It is worth your time!

If you could give a flying Fig Newton what people asked me a couple of weeks ago and how I answered below, keep reading...

#1 From Vonnie: "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?" Well, though this has stumped people for ages, the answer is quite simple. A woodchuck can chuck as much wood as it wants to chuck. A woodchuck is not one to be limited by one's expectation of what a woodchuck can do. If I said it can chuck 20 pieces of wood, guess how much wood that woodchuck will be sure to chuck? You got it. 21. In all honesty, I stay away from woodchucks. Too sassy.

#2 From Tiffany W.: "How tall are you and are you intimidated by shorter people?" I really love this question, Tiffany. I like thinking about it. I am 5'8 and three-fourths. I usually just say 5'9". Wouldn't this be accurate if the number was rounded or am I straight-up filthy liar? I don't think that I am intimidated, but I think that I act like I am, so maybe I am? Anytime I am standing next to someone a lot shorter than me, especially if I have on heels or wedges or something, I get all crouch-y. Why do I do that? Why don't I just stand up? Do they make me nervous? See, here is what I mean:

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Here I am with Jen from People I Want To Punch In The Throat. Jen was an internet friend of mine and, since I met her at BlogHer, is now considered a real life friend of mine. Jen told me to stand up already just before this picture was taken. I was even more crouch-y than this when we were prepping for the photo. I mean, get a grip, Kelley! Get a dingdang grip and stand the heck up!

#3 from Sarah of Caffeinated Chronicles of a Supermom (her blog: Sarah had quite a few very, very serious questions for me. I think it is best to answer hers in bullet form:
  • What came first, the chicken or the egg? The cheggken.
  • Why did the chicken cross the road? Because the owner didn't lock the gate on the barn.
  • How many licks to the center of a tootsie pop? No clue. I don't lick that thing! I eat it. I bite into its center and get that tootsie roll in a matter of nanoseconds. This sister has no time to waste licking on a Tootsie Pop or whatever they're called.
  • My 7-year-old daughter wants to know why her birthday can't be now? No problem. Can you put her on the phone? Please put your 7-year-old daughter on the phone really quick. Sarah? Where is your daughter? I guess we'll forget this one. Here I am waiting for you to put your daughter on the phone so I could give her the answer she has been searching for and you won't put her on the phone. I'll call back later.
  • Boxers or briefs? Are briefs the same thing as tighty-whities because those get a solid "no way". What do you call the biker shorts looking underwear? Those.
  • My four-year-old wants to know why he can't have more milk and why the Power Rangers are cool? I would be happy to share those answers with him. Since calling you has been unsuccessful, I will just answer it here. He can't have more milk because if he drinks any more milk he will become part cow. This will become a problem when he is in preschool and his teacher asks him to say his ABCs and he says "moo" every third or fourth letter. "A B C MOO E F MOO H I J K L MOO MOO MOO MOO". This type of thing will really impact his education resulting in him not being able to get a good, solid job later in life. Please break this to him delicately, Sarah. I know I can trust you to go easy. Also, the Power Rangers are cool because they have helmets on almost all of the time. They don't have to worry about finding their helmets when they go to ride on their scooters or bicycles. Power Rangers believe in safety and in protecting their identity. If you want, Sarah, you can use that as segue to discuss the awful things that can happen when people get their identity stolen. Try not to make him cry, though. If you do, don't comfort him with milk. Resist as best as you can.

 #4 from Tiffany W.: "What is your favorite state within the 48?" Am I allowed to say Texas, since I live here? Because, come on...TEXAS. "The stars at night! Are big and bright! BUM, BUM, BUM...DEEP IN THE HEAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRT OF TEXAS!!" If you insist that I pick another one, I think I would have to say...Texas?
#5 from Lyndsey: "Worst/funniest thing you've accidentally said to someone. Perhaps a word/phrase your brain replaced with something else." Oh, wow. This one is tough. My hearing loss has caused so many embarrassing moments where I have said something wrong to someone because I thought they had said something that they hadn't said. You are talking more like a brain slip-up, though. Right now I am thinking about friends who have done this or that or told me about something they've done. I can't think of my own story at the moment, but I can tell you about a friend who was on the phone with a professor or something. Maybe it was a potential boss? It was someone very important. (I'm going to call her tomorrow to get this story right.) She was trying to say "It's all my fault" but she accidentally said "It's all my FART". The problem wasn't that she said it that one time, it's that she kept accidentally saying it again! "Fart..fault!" over and over again! I mean, it's easy to do. "Hey, sorry about that. That one is all my fart." I mean, you can see how this is easy to do!
#6 from Ash: "You're very upbeat and positive. This world kicks me in unmentionables. Sometimes I feel like I want to post the lyrics to that song from when I was younger, "Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I'll eat some worms". Well, not eating worms, 'cause that is icky. I guess I am looking for finding humor and my happy vibes more from the little things in this busy life that we tend to forget. I am not a debbie downer, well, unless my anti-depressant needs a boost or chocolate therapy, which can be used in place of retail therapy, or bring home new animal therapy (were full on that right now). So, new life coach Kelley, help a sista out! How is that for a good loaded question?!?! Thanks in advance!"
Hey, Ash, I guess your question is how do I stay upbeat and positive when the world can be such an ugly place sometimes? Well, first let me say that I present to you guys only what I want to present to you. I mean, I keep things honest around here, but I don't use my blog or Facebook page to put it all out there. Trust me, I am not always upbeat and positive. I can be grumpy and snappy quite a bit. Ask my family! I would say that the things that keep me going and keep me positive are my faith, my family, my friends and my French fries. (I was just looking for a fourth thing that started with "f".) Seriously, I try to see the humor in most things, try not to take things personally, try not to expect others to make me happy, try not to set standards that are just too high for any human to consistently meet- I'm not perfect, so why should I expect that other people will be? We can definitely keep this conversation going!
#7 From Patricia: "What treatment would you seek if you were addicted to therapy?" Now, that is a crazy question, Patricia! People! Patricia over here has come up with a CRAZY question! I'm thinking that I would seek a spa treatment. Or a hair treatment. These are treatments that are not forms of therapy. Well, I guess they are forms of therapy, in a way. You feel better when you go to the spa and you feel better when you get your hair all nice and looking good. Patricia, can you hold on a minute... "MOMMY!!!! PATRICIA ASKED ME A HARD QUESTION!!!"  Okay, anyway, Patricia...ummm...well, it looks like our connection is bad. Sorry. I need to upgrade this phone!
(Oh, this is a blog? Can we not tell anyone else?)
Thanks for asking me these questions, you guys! Did I even answer them at all?