10 Girls' Trip Tips: Things You MUST Remember
Tip #1: Be open-minded and flexible about food. Nothing kills a trip's mood than a High Maintenance Helen trying to run the food show. Helen's just gonna have to relax! Helen ain't the only one on this trip! Being flexible on my trip meant I had to eat a flower served to us by my friend's sophisticated grandfather. (A "squash blossom", if you're taking thorough notes.) No matter how fancy you get with the words, the thing was yellow, had petals, did not taste like squash and looked exactly like a flower. Like they say, if it talks like a flower and walks like a flower than you need to get yourself to a psychiatrist fast because flowers don't do those things.
Tip #2: Request a masseuse without debilitating body odor. No amount of cucumber- infused water was going to take my mind off the fact that a man's putrid hairy pit was steadily sending streams of dead skunk innards scent into my nose. The dude must have sweated all of his Old Spice off while giving those before me some of his magic. With each deep tissue massage of the shoulder, I lost a little bit of my will to live. Of course, my other friends all smelled lavender and vanilla and all the good things with their squeaky clean and perfect hygiene-d up masseuses, while I smelled Sewage Spice. I'm not getting caught with a Sewage Spice Man again.
Tip #3: Don't be a grouchy butt. Things are not going to go your way all the time. Tina Time Keeper is going to want to rush you through your latte at the airport so that you can sit in your terminal 3 hours before take-off. You cannot lose it on Tina Time Keeper already. You also don't really want to roll your eyes at Tina Time Keeper just so Stephanie Sidekick can see your annoyance because, right at that exact moment, Tina Time Keeper is going to look back at you and, before you know it, there are two Grouchy Butts walking through the airport before the trip has officially started.
Tip #4: Don't be a Tina Time Keeper. Well, don't be her all the time. There's got to be someone keeping track of everything so that you're all not still looking at leather bracelets with silver dangle-y things on them when your departing flight is flying over your clueless head. There is a time and place for Tina Time Keeper, but, in general, Tina Time Keeper needs scale it back a dingdang notch.
Tip #5: Know when to scale back on the "wooooooo-hooooo"-ing. We get it. You're a party girl and you want to make it known. You can turn into an all out rock star right in the middle of a grocery store when you see that it carries your favorite brand of peanut butter. The ugly truth is that not everything requires a "WOOOO-HOOOO!!!" Girls' trips are just the right environment for the woo-hoo. Some girls just woo-hoo it left and right. I am not a "woo-hoo"er. I never have been and I just don't see it in the near future for me. I get that it's an exclamation of excitement and approval. It also has it's time and place, but if you're all "WOOOO-HOOO, they've got whole wheat bagels at this Fairfield Inn!" and "WOOOO-HOOOO, they have Splenda and not just Equal at this Schlotzsky's!" and "WOOOOO-HOOOO!!!!! There's a re-run of 'Perfect Stranger' on TV, guys!", then your friends may WOOOO-HOOO you right out the back door. Save the WOOO-HOOing for the very perfect WOOO-HOOOing moment. Be more discerning about what deserves a WOOOO-HOOO and what does not. (This will be a future blog post. Rest assured.)
Tip #3: Don't be a grouchy butt. Things are not going to go your way all the time. Tina Time Keeper is going to want to rush you through your latte at the airport so that you can sit in your terminal 3 hours before take-off. You cannot lose it on Tina Time Keeper already. You also don't really want to roll your eyes at Tina Time Keeper just so Stephanie Sidekick can see your annoyance because, right at that exact moment, Tina Time Keeper is going to look back at you and, before you know it, there are two Grouchy Butts walking through the airport before the trip has officially started.
Tip #4: Don't be a Tina Time Keeper. Well, don't be her all the time. There's got to be someone keeping track of everything so that you're all not still looking at leather bracelets with silver dangle-y things on them when your departing flight is flying over your clueless head. There is a time and place for Tina Time Keeper, but, in general, Tina Time Keeper needs scale it back a dingdang notch.
Tip #5: Know when to scale back on the "wooooooo-hooooo"-ing. We get it. You're a party girl and you want to make it known. You can turn into an all out rock star right in the middle of a grocery store when you see that it carries your favorite brand of peanut butter. The ugly truth is that not everything requires a "WOOOO-HOOOO!!!" Girls' trips are just the right environment for the woo-hoo. Some girls just woo-hoo it left and right. I am not a "woo-hoo"er. I never have been and I just don't see it in the near future for me. I get that it's an exclamation of excitement and approval. It also has it's time and place, but if you're all "WOOOO-HOOO, they've got whole wheat bagels at this Fairfield Inn!" and "WOOOO-HOOOO, they have Splenda and not just Equal at this Schlotzsky's!" and "WOOOOO-HOOOO!!!!! There's a re-run of 'Perfect Stranger' on TV, guys!", then your friends may WOOOO-HOOO you right out the back door. Save the WOOO-HOOing for the very perfect WOOO-HOOOing moment. Be more discerning about what deserves a WOOOO-HOOO and what does not. (This will be a future blog post. Rest assured.)
Tip #6: If your girls' trip involves horseback riding and everyone else gets a nice horse and you get the rowdy mule for a trail ride, decide if those are actually hit men disguised as your friends. Okay, this is based on real events. I had to stare into the eyes of all of my friends long and hard before I cleared them after the encounter with a MULE. "Hey, girls, welcome to our HORSE ride. We are all going to be riding HORSES. The HORSES will be great fun. Hold on tight to your HORSES. You, sweet thing, will get this lovely brown HORSE. You, dear lady, will get this sweet black HORSE. Kind woman in the back, you will getting this white HORSE with brown spots, but you over there, YOU WILL GET A MULE." The pre-riding speech went something like that, I'm sure of it. I'm no mule expert, but I believe there is the phrase "stubborn as a mule" floating around out there. My mule was just that. It took me a while to get over the fact that my trail ride companion tried to buck me off several times and came to abrupt stops over and over again. "Hey, are all of you ladies going up this gorgeous hillside? Well, guess what? I'M NOT. I'M STOPPING HERE AND YOU CAN KISS MY MULE-Y BUTT IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT." That was my mule's attitude. Lucky me. Did these friends need an extra seat on the plane for souvenirs or something?
Tip #7: Make sure your friend wears a helmet before her horse goes galloping across a prairie all willy-nilly and she starts riding the horse sideways and, before you know it, she's fallen off. Another real event here. I think I wasn't supposed to mention that incident because I am pretty sure my friend didn't want her husband to know that she got on that galloping horse without a helmet, but it's too late now. Well, actually, it's not too late because I'm pretty sure he doesn't read this blog. Pretty sure he told her before the trip, "Hey, if you get on a horse, wear a helmet". He was very helmet-conscious. I can't remember if helmets were offered at the beginning of the horse (and mule!!!!) ride, but they probably were. Our tour guide for the horse ride was a former extra in a movie. I guess with that kind of celebrity around us, we didn't want to flatten our hair with a helmet. I mean, we were all married, but what if he was taking mental snapshots so that he could tell his Hollywood "extras" connection he's got real talent on his hands and we're all hidden behind a helmet? We apparently didn't want to take that kind of gamble. Of course, the other gamble was to become brain damaged and debilitated for life, but, for the potential chance as an extra in an unknown movie, we were willing to take that risk. Life is all about making the hard choices. Back to my friend's husband and the possibility of him learning the truth of that day, it's unlikely. He does more important stuff on a computer than read my posts. (We all do. This is why you touch me right here in my heart when you stay to read. What have I done, what I have done, what have I done to deserve this?) She didn't get hurt, surprisingly, but she did fall off that horse. Just plumb slid off and landed with a thump in the prairie. I know it could have had a horrible ending. Thankfully, she navigated that fall just right. Those horses are crazy. They run really fast and stuff.
Tip #8: If you want any sleep, don't go on a girls' trip. My friend, JP, and I shared a room. I can still remember that night very vividly and one particular impression she did of sleeping with an uncomfortable pillow that made me laugh really hard. It actually made me laugh just now and that trip has been over for a long time. I know you have been in this same type of situation. You try to go to sleep but then you think of one more thing you want to tell your friend. And then she thinks of one more thing to tell you. And then you think of one more thing to tell your friend. And then she thinks of one more thing to tell you. And then you think of... I'm not sure when it finally ends. Someone has got to be the bigger person and know when to shut it down. That person usually isn't me.
Tip #9: Your co-travelers can only be one degree above or below you in sophistication. A good girls' trip cannot have a big mix of people in it and work well, in my opinion. If Suzy Fancy Pants likes to swirl her wine around and talk about how the wine "finishes" and you get all Angry Ann because your tea is not getting refilled on a consistent schedule, you might have some problems. Suzy Fancy Pants is going to start wishing you'd clamp your mouth shut about your dadgum tea and you're going to start wishing Suzy Fancy Pants would have a really hairy fly land in her fancy pants wine already and, before you know it, you've got each other's hair in your fists.
Tip #10: Be prepared to learn new (possibly strange)things about your friends. We all know that you learn new things about people you know all the time. The girls' trip is just a really great time to learn things that you really, really never knew and wouldn't have known if it weren't for the girls' trip. I learned that one of my friends never uses the bathroom on the plane. She will never walk herself down the skinny aisle, open the folding door and situate herself over the toilet for a mid-air tinkle. I don't get how she does it. I am amazed at her skills. I think her refusal has to do with many things. Germs, obviously, but, more than that, I don't think she likes to navigate the feet and elbows she'd encounter on her way there with basically a sign across her chest that says "I AM ON MY WAY TO USE A TOILET. IN JUST A FEW MINUTES, I WILL BE TOILETING. WHEN YOU SEE ME PASS YOUR WAY AGAIN, YOU WILL KNOW THAT I JUST USED THE TOILET. TOILET PAPER WILL BE USED. TOILET. TOILET. TOILET. I USED THE TOILET."
I think I'll wrap up my tips right about there. For one thing, it's late and I'm hungry. This is the time of night where I try to convince myself to eat an apple but secretly want to devour an entire box of cereal. I also thought it would good to end here because while I can come up with a lot more tips, I'd rather hear what you have to say. What are your tips for girls' trips? Or for any trips? Or for getting the most bang for your buck at the local dollar store?
Tip #8: If you want any sleep, don't go on a girls' trip. My friend, JP, and I shared a room. I can still remember that night very vividly and one particular impression she did of sleeping with an uncomfortable pillow that made me laugh really hard. It actually made me laugh just now and that trip has been over for a long time. I know you have been in this same type of situation. You try to go to sleep but then you think of one more thing you want to tell your friend. And then she thinks of one more thing to tell you. And then you think of one more thing to tell your friend. And then she thinks of one more thing to tell you. And then you think of... I'm not sure when it finally ends. Someone has got to be the bigger person and know when to shut it down. That person usually isn't me.
Tip #9: Your co-travelers can only be one degree above or below you in sophistication. A good girls' trip cannot have a big mix of people in it and work well, in my opinion. If Suzy Fancy Pants likes to swirl her wine around and talk about how the wine "finishes" and you get all Angry Ann because your tea is not getting refilled on a consistent schedule, you might have some problems. Suzy Fancy Pants is going to start wishing you'd clamp your mouth shut about your dadgum tea and you're going to start wishing Suzy Fancy Pants would have a really hairy fly land in her fancy pants wine already and, before you know it, you've got each other's hair in your fists.
Tip #10: Be prepared to learn new (possibly strange)things about your friends. We all know that you learn new things about people you know all the time. The girls' trip is just a really great time to learn things that you really, really never knew and wouldn't have known if it weren't for the girls' trip. I learned that one of my friends never uses the bathroom on the plane. She will never walk herself down the skinny aisle, open the folding door and situate herself over the toilet for a mid-air tinkle. I don't get how she does it. I am amazed at her skills. I think her refusal has to do with many things. Germs, obviously, but, more than that, I don't think she likes to navigate the feet and elbows she'd encounter on her way there with basically a sign across her chest that says "I AM ON MY WAY TO USE A TOILET. IN JUST A FEW MINUTES, I WILL BE TOILETING. WHEN YOU SEE ME PASS YOUR WAY AGAIN, YOU WILL KNOW THAT I JUST USED THE TOILET. TOILET PAPER WILL BE USED. TOILET. TOILET. TOILET. I USED THE TOILET."
I think I'll wrap up my tips right about there. For one thing, it's late and I'm hungry. This is the time of night where I try to convince myself to eat an apple but secretly want to devour an entire box of cereal. I also thought it would good to end here because while I can come up with a lot more tips, I'd rather hear what you have to say. What are your tips for girls' trips? Or for any trips? Or for getting the most bang for your buck at the local dollar store?