How To Be An Energetic Fan

Oh, dear! Oh, dear! Oh, dear! Oh, dear! Someone help me wipe off these tables! Someone dust off that orange chair up there! Can someone put some Windex on that vending machine?? Can someone sweep?!? We are about to have a guest here and this place is a MESS!

("This place is a mess!" is all I ever heard from my mom back in the 80s when she stepped inside my room. All. I. Ever. Heard.)

Thank you.

Wow, you guys can really pull it together and I appreciate it more than you know. Okay, let me catch my breath and then I'll tell you who will be here in a few nanoseconds.

*Panting steadily slows down*

Paige. Paige Kellerman from "There's More Where That Came From" will be h-- Well, there you are Paige. You don't have to stand over there by that orange chair. You've written a book after all! Authors get chairs! (Her book At Least My Belly Hides My Cankles comes out in June 2013!) Go ahead and sit in it. Paige, you guys, is a very talented writer who REGULARLY makes me laugh out loud when I read her posts. Regularly. I'm not exaggerating or anything funky like that. This girl is the real deal and has a very, very good sense of humor. She agreed to help a sister out today and has arrived to tell you a little story. Please listen up. (Can you guys spit out your gum?)

Hi, everyone! I’d like to start today by thanking the fabulous Kelley for letting me back in the Breakroom. OK, maybe she didn’t so much “let” me back in as much as I’m repaying her for all the damage I did the last time I was here.

To be fair though, how’s anybody supposed to know nuking a tuna fish sandwich for ten minutes can cause a small explosion?

Ok, I didn’t need you to all answer at once and make me feel horrible.

The important thing is I now know Kelley looks down on, let’s call them, “electrical fires” and leaving the Breakroom with thirty-four microwaves instead of thirty-five.

But we’re not here to talk about common sense. No, today it’s time to talk about sports. More specifically, baseball. Even more specifically, watching baseball on TV. Yep, that’s more my speed. No physical activity today, folks. That stuff is terrifying. Like I always say, one-hundred percent of people who’ve exercised have died at some point in their lives, so.

The thing is, until the day I met my husband, I wasn’t a sports fan. Sure, I knew baseball players love diamonds, and football players still thought shoulder pads were a good look, but the rules of these types of affairs were a mystery to me. Over the last six years, however, my soul mate has taken me under his wing and explained things.

Finally, I understand. Even better, I’ve been able to bring my own brand of enthusiasm to our daily baseball watchings. I am now a fan. But after twenty-three years of not being a fan, I find I need to add a little something extra to the experience, so Husband knows I’m sincere.

There are several ways to do this…
1.)    Dress in authentic gear. Husband enjoys it when I wear a catcher’s mitt, mask, and knee pads. It gives me a chance to simulate the action, and eliminates romance as an option. A serious fan doesn’t hold hands. A serious fan yells, “You’re out,” and kicks her spouse off the couch.
Shame him if he cries.

2.) Scream, “Yes!” Do this with a fist pump to the air. Do this with a fist pump in a chair. Do this, do this anywhere.

3.) If conversation lulls while watching the game, try to spark a new one with, “If I wore a cup…” See what happens.

4.) Maintain that someone was “robbed.” If Husband is confused or presses me for specifics, I usually opt for the standard reply of slamming my beer down and yelling, “Magnificent Thor’s hammer, it’s like I’m the one who’s been watching sports her whole life. It was right there on the screen, man. Right there on the screen.”

5.) When all else fails, quote statistics, real or fake. Relevant or not relevant.  For instance, Husband will say, “He’s on the disabled list this year.”

And I’ll follow up with, “Yes, and he’s won the team’s chili cook off, eight straight years in a row.”

And then a heated debate starts about how chili has anything to do with baseball. But the point is you’re in there. You’re doing it.

You’re a fan.

And now I’m off to make some chili. Right after I finish scrubbing the seared tuna off the Breakroom’s vending machine.

You find Paige's blog here, her Facebook page here and her Twitter page here!