Getting Into Trouble With The Costco Police and Other Comments On Top Chef Seattle, Episode 12 "Wolfgang Clucks"

I know the show ended over 24 hours ago, but I just haven't had time to get around to this Top Chef bidness. I have been playing Candy Land non-stop. And foosball. Candy Land. Foosball. Candy Land. Foosball. Candy Land. Foosball. Candy Land. Foosb--

*Gets hit in the head with a frying pan*


Anyway, I just had to make some observations on last night's show, "Wolfgang Clucks". That title is thanks to the ever-so-witty, Tom Colicchio. You can tell ol' Tommy thinks he's the real deal. I mean, he thinks he's one funny, rich, successful, awesome chef or something.

Content and/or other value provided by our partner, Bravo.

Okay. My observations...

Brooke made octopus. A really famous sushi chef (goes to Google...and fiiiiiiinds....Master Sushi Chef Katsuya Uechi) asks the 6 remaining "cheftestants" to whip something up really good and sushi-like. Brooke chose octopus. I'm not getting it. I mean, she made one of his favorite dishes, as did Stefan. (Stefan finally won a QuickFire, too!) Still. It's octopus and I'm really not getting it. It must taste good, but, did you hear me say it was octopus? I have a friend that replied once to my "We're having spaghetti for dinner tonight" with "Oh, we're having octopus." Who does that? Who eats that? You do? Your mom? Your great aunt? Your cousin twice removed? Your sister's dog sitter? Your broth--

*Gets hit in the head with the same frying pan*

Chicken Cordon Bleu was the butt of jokes with those uppity judges. The challenge was to fry chicken and the judges wanted real fried chicken. They didn't want it fancied up and they SURE didn't want any of Stefan's Chicken Cordon Bleu crap. No, ma'am. Padma and the rest started giggling about when the last time they saw Chicken Cordon Bleu on a menu. Well, I'll let those fancy pants know that Chicken Cordon Bleu IS STILL ALIVE AND WELL IN THE FREEZER SECTION AT COSTCO, DINGDANG IT!! If you judges don't watch it, the Costco police are going to come after you!You don't want any trouble with those guys! (Costco police don't exist. Just ladies giving samples of Lil' Smokies.) You don't want those guys on your tail! They have access to supersized everything and will use it until you hoity-toity judges confess that a little ham and swiss cheese in your chicken is a good thing!

Joan Rivers in handcuffs at Costco. The word is that this stunt
had nothing to do with Chicken Cordon Bleu. Source

*Gets slapped in the face*

I know. I'm sorry. I was getting out of control there. The thing is, I guess I'm sensitive to the Chicken Cordon Bleu jab. You see, just last night, I made a Chicken Cordon Bleu Casserole from a recipe I found over at Six Sisters Stuff and I was pretty doggone proud of it. See? Here are the leftovers:

Josh brines his chicken before frying it. It was only, like, two years ago that I had ever heard about brining anything. Brining? It was a totally foreign word, yet people were brining their turkeys all around me like there was no tomorra (the way my grandmother says that word) and I had no idea. Anyway, his brining must be the way to do it, because the judges loved his fried chicken the best. It was his grandfather's recipe!

Josh won wine. Now, I'm sure that wine was just awesome stuff. I mean, I'm sure it was just over-the-top legit. Still, it wasn't a car like Sheldon received. Or tons of money. I guess he could trade it in somewhere or set up a Wine Stand at the bottom of his driveway.

Momofuku. David Chang is apparently really revered in the restaurant world. He owns the Momofuku restaurant group, which includes a milk bar, a noodle house and the like. There isn't much to say in this paragraph except, well, MOMOFUKU. Say that 10 times fast and see if you don't get in trouble! MOMOFUKU. MOMOFUKU. MOMOFUKU. MOMOFUKU. MOMOFUKU. MOMOFUKU. MOMOFU--

*Gets tasered*

Wolfgang "Cluck" was hitting the bottle. That man was on a roll. He was dropping f-bombs and mean-spirited jokes left and right. Maybe fried chicken brings out the sarcasm. He was making me laugh sometimes, but that was because I wasn't serving him my fried chicken. He was greatly offended, as were the other judges, when chicken was brought out to them without the bone. Or when only chicken breasts were served. Pretty sure if they saw me scouring the meat aisle for the cheapest mega-pack of boneless chicken breasts, they'd fling a Chinese star directly at my Achilles tendon (one of my greatest fears) right then and there.

Chinese star, of course.


I could talk about different aspects of Top Chef all night, but I'm afraid for my safety. Not sure who this joker is that keeps jumping into the Break Room with an iron skillet and a taser gun. Need to beef up the security around here.

Before I get knocked around anymore, let me quickly remind you that you can participate in SAVE-A-CHEF via Twitter.Surely, you care which one of these awesome cooks gets saved, right? To vote, all you need to do is go to Twitter and type the hashtag showing your preference. The hashtag is the vote. The chefs up for voting:


Psssst...I'm in a contest on "Circle of Moms" to be in the Top 25 Funniest Moms portion of their website. Now, I know that I'm not one of the top 25 funniest moms. I mean, come on. There are tons of funny moms on this planet, including you reading this right now, and, on top of that, I'm not always funny. I know this, man. Still, my mug is sitting on the list over there. I tried to delete my name off the list, because I *hate* asking for votes. Looks like it can't be undone. Soooooooo...if you don't mind clicking this link and clicking the thumbs up sign next to my name, I'd owe you big time. I'd be happy to organize your pantry, brush your hair or sort your socks anytime.