Top 5 Cakes You Should Never Serve at a Party

We are probably all familiar with the blog, Cake Wrecks. This blog features cakes gone wrong for one reason or another. They're ugly. They're tacky. They're ugly and tacky. Or just funny. Or ugly, tacky and funny. Actually, they're always funny, because that's the point of the blog. I could spend a lot of time on that blog looking at all of the different cakes, but I think my favorite would be "the one that started it all", which is also on the cover of Jen Yates' New York Times Best Seller:

Source

I wish I had thought of that blog idea first, Jen.

But, I didn't.

*Takes a moment to squint eyes and contort face in a very jealous way*

That's why THIS post is not going to be about those kinds of cakes nor will it be about cake flavors. If you want to serve carrot cake at your 4-year-old's birthday party, HAVE AT IT. No, this post is about other cakes that you just wouldn't want to serve at any party ever. I thought I should mention this in case you start Googling "cakes" and find yourself confronted with one or more of these tasty delights.

#1 SUET CAKE

Unless you are inviting a ton of birds to your house to party it up, I'm thinking you'll want to steer clear of these. With the exception of your Aunt Agnes, PEOPLE DON'T LIKE TO EAT GROUND UP INSECTS. The other possible exception besides Aunt Agnes, though, is the 80s group "Flock of Seagulls". They'd probably love it. Source

#2 URINAL CAKE

Apparently, some people must be very fond of this cake choice. Even though it's made with lots of ammonia, I can see where the appeal of serving urinal cakes may be quite strong. THEY COME IN INDIVIDUAL SERVINGS. It's like a stinkin' cupcake! In fact, it's shaped exactly like a Hostess cupcake, which is actually making it more appealing by the second. Ammonia is bad for you, though, right? I'll Google that in a few minutes. (Also? They're pink! Perfect for a girl party!) Source

#3 CAKE OF SOAP

Gathering a bunch of people together for a party and then revealing that your birthday cake is actually a cake of soap will result in lots of hard feelings toward you. Trust me. I tried it once and my Aunt Erthelene hasn't spoken to me to this day and I totally made that up. If, however, you have a room full of foul-mouthed five-year-olds, which is often the case in this rapidly declining culture of ours (Can I get an Amen?), you may want to consider having a Cake of Soap on the sidelines.

The word "sidelines" offers a good segue to a my sidenote (and also gives me the chance to use the word "segue") about liquid hand soap. I actually found this image above from the blog, "The Farmer's Nest". She shows you how to make a GALLON of liquid hand soap from one bar (or cake!) of soap. I'm totally going to try it!

#4 RICE CAKE

If you have the budget to give every one their very own rice cake and your party is inside a Whole Foods with people smelling like patchouli, well, then you might be able to get by with this one. If you only have enough money to shell out for one rice cake and/or the people coming to your party are big fans of pizza, THIS WON'T WORK. First off, the rice cake is a booger to cut into 8 separate slices. Rice flies everywhere! Kids get hit in the eye with shards of dry rice! There's no taste! People will hate you! The pieces are smaller than a hummingibird's armpit! I mean, really, the list is endless. Think long and hard about who is coming to your party before going this route. Source

#5 A SUITCAKE

The primary reason not to serve this one at any party is because it's made of leather and presents a fire hazard with the candles stuck haphazardly on top. I still LOVE the idea of a suitcake made of real cake, though. It could be served at going away parties all over the United States! It's a SUITCAKE! Oh, man, I love it so much, I feel like making it for the next occasion, even if it's the Fourth of July.

"Kelley, why is the cake shaped like a suitcase for a Fourth of July party?"

"Because, it's a SUITCAKE! Get it? HAHAHAHA!!! It's not a suitCASE. It's a suitCAKE! HAHAHAHA!!! Happy Fourth of July!!! Where are the sparklers?"

When I Googled "suitcakes", I only found suit cakes, as in Giorgio Armani.

This may keep me up tonight.

ADDENDUM: My very first comment on this post was to inform me that there are, in fact, one gazillion to the infinite power of suitcase cakes out there. See? What I want to know is if they called them "suitcase cakes" or "suitcakes". Huh? Huh? (If they called them "suitcakes", please don't tell me.) Either way, boo on me. I'm still going to make one for the Fourth of July, though. (Thanks for letting me know, Trish!)

Carry on, now. I know you have more important things to do with your time.