Don't Weight On Me! (My attempt at a healthy eating and exercise comeback while possibly using a nifty new weight loss device that my husband says I can't get but that I might get anyway.)
I have fallen off the treadmill and by "treadmill" I mean "wagon" and by "wagon" I mean routine of exercising. Let's be honest, though. I have never been truly in the routine of exercising. I just did it for a while under the direction of Sean Millhouse of Fitness 101 earlier this year. I lost at least 8 pounds and several inches and documented my experience with personal training here.
By far, my most popular post from that series was "Funny Things Women Say To Their Personal Trainers". It includes a video of a personal trainer imitating a woman and it made me laugh so hard that I cried the first few times I watched it. You can see it here.
When I started, my weight loss goal was 10-15 pounds.
Now?
I've got those 8 pounds back and my weight loss goal is back to 10-15 pounds.
"When you are hobbling around with a head full of gray hair you'll still be saying 'I just got to lose 10 pounds!'" my husband said the other day as he mimicked an old woman.
He thinks he's so funny.
I don't want him to be right.
I don't want to be like the lady in the UK who delivered a baby FOUR HOURS after she found out she was pregnant. She delivered the baby at 38 weeks. She never knew because of her size, which hadn't changed the whole time she was pregnant!
Seriously!
Her baby daddy ended up leaving her when the baby was 8 months. This woman, determined to get her life back on track, decided to take charge of her health and lose weight. She swears by something called the "Malory Band".
"What are you doing?" my husband asked me this morning.
"I'm measuring myself for the Malory Band."
"The what?"
"The Malory Band. It is a band you wear around your waist. When it starts expanding, it means you've eaten too much. An alarm goes off somehow that alerts you to put the fork down."
"That is the most ridiculous thing I've heard in my life. You are not ordering that thing."
If I really want to order this Malory Band, I will. The only problem is that it is made in the UK and it takes a month to get here. I am in a wedding in September. I have got to at least get back to the weight I was when I ordered my bridesmaid's dress.
I am also curious how this will work.
SCENE 1: She stuffs a slice of pepperoni pizza in her mouth. She follows it with a crouton off of her salad that is begging to be eaten. She slurps up her half-Diet Coke/half-Coke concoction and decides to go back in for a second slice when... "HOLD THE PHONE. HOLD THE STINKIN' PHONE. LADY, PUT IT DOWN. PUT THE PIZZA DOWN IMMEDIATELY."
SCENE 2: She goes to the self-serve yogurt place. She starts out nice and easy by putting delicate dollops of yogurt in her small cup. She follows it with some fresh fruit and coconut on top. A few chocolate chips won't hurt. Is that a Whopper? Oh, I'll just take one. No way! Fruity Pebbles?? Just a spoonful. Okay, one more spoonful. She takes a bite. Then another one. A few more make it past. "WHAAAAAT?? You are still EATING, sister?? STEP AWAY FROM THE YOGURT. Beep! Beep! Beep! We've got a toppings hoarder over here, folks! Beep! Beep!"
SCENE 3: She enters the Mexican restaurant and vows to get the chicken soup. She pats herself on the back before the bell at the top of the door even rings signaling her entrance. She sits down and before 10 minutes pass, the waiter is bringing a second chips basket and rolling up a ten gallon drum of queso to the table side. "HOLY MOLY GUACAMOLE, SEÑORA! QUE PASO?? Stop, drop and roll yourself out of this restaurant and get yourself to el treadmill!" yells the Malory Band.
Yes, I think this could work.
Maybe I should just tie some string around my waist. When it gets too tight and I can't breathe anymore and I pass out or my upper half gets severed off after a lengthy stop at the all-you-can-eat hotel breakfast buffet, that will be my cue that the days of swimming inside the queso bowl with my mouth wide open need to stop.
How are things going for you? Do you swim in queso, too, or are you and the carrot sticks BFFs? Share your tips and advice with us!!
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